A few minutes later, still inside my locked room, I experienced one of my most honest and deepest conversations with God. I recalled the events of the accident, the trauma of past incidents, the pain I experienced and verbally cried out to God.
“Why have you done this to me? Why have you given me this horrible disease? What have I done to deserve this ongoing punishment? Why me?”
And at that moment, as I turned toward the crucifix on my wall, I received a response. The words echoed in my head. I heard them quite clearly, “Why not you?”
The anger subsided and a beautiful peace emerged. I no longer felt alone.
This moment of peace, I did not want to leave. For several minutes I remained standing in awe before the wounded, crucified figure of Christ. I began to question who was I to complain. I had been angrily addressing God, crying out in my pain. but my affliction was nothing compared to what Christ endured. Yet He walked the path of Calvary without saying a word. No protest to His Father did He make. Instead, His was a quiet, humble resignation; a total giving of Himself to the Father. How could I do anything less?
I do not know how God will use this life of mine to reveal His love and glory, but I do know the most important thing for me to do now is totally surrender my life to God. To entrust Him with the future, focus to the best of my ability on Him and not permit fear or distractions to get in the way of union with Him.
Whatever direction the road before me takes, may God be glorified through it all.
“The everlasting God has, in his wisdom, foreseen from eternity, the cross that He now presents to you as a gift from His inmost heart. This cross He now sends you He has considered with His all-knowing eyes, understood with his Divine mind, tested with His wise justice, warmed with His loving arms and weighed with His own hands that it not be one inch too large and not one ounce too heavy for you. He has blessed it with His Holy Name, anointed it with His grace, perfumed with with His consolation, taken one last glance at you and your courage and then sent it you you from heaven, a special greeting from God to you, an alms of the all merciful love of God.” —Saint Francis de Sales